Yes, it's been awhile. I've been busy.

Things just keep . . . something. I don't know what. Something. I've gone insane.

At the moment, I'm just completely enraged. It's not a big deal, in the long run, I guess, just the perfect example of the way things are these days. I thought about getting a gift for the step-nephew and niece. I think it's a little silly to exchange gifts with them just because we all have way too much stuff. Plus, it's expensive. Seriously, what's the point? It's not about how I feel towards them. But we all just use presents and money to prove how civil we are. OK, that's the rage talking.

The point is that I was a little behind in getting them a gift. Just like I'm a little behind in everything. Take, for example, the 'free' trial of Amazon Prime. Sure, I know the gimmick - get people to sign up and then renew them before they remember to cancel. I know this is the hook. And I've successfully avoided it all before. Only this time, I was one of those forgetful people. Now I've got $80 worth of free 2 day shipping. So I figure: I might as well make use of it. Yes, it's another hook. I'm forgetful, not stupid.

So I buy the previously referenced family some gifts through Amazon, and I'm sure to get the order in so that I can have them this weekend. In case you're wondering, I've already missed the Christmas deadline and have just accepted it. So I was aiming for Sunday, when I'll be seeing them again. I placed the order, dutifully supplied my credit card number, and waited expectantly for the box to arrive.

It didn't.

I called UPS. The man I spoke with made brief apologies and was generally useless, except to inflame the situation. He pointed out my responsibility for calling after 7 pm. He pointed out Amazon's failing for not getting the package to UPS sooner. In the end, I told him that their customer service was infuriating, the system was seriously flawed, and I was hanging up before I belittled myself by calling him names he's probably never heard of before.

The package is officially out for delivery. But it's not here. It's not there. Nobody knows for sure where it is. And nothing can be done until Monday. When will the package be moved again? Monday. When can I log a complaint? Monday. When I can get more information as to what has happened to the package? Monday.

Fuck Monday. Fuck the delivery guy who only dropped one of the boxes scheduled for delivery. Fuck the Alanis Morissette Irony for the box being the wrong one. Fuck the customer service guy for shifting blame everywhere else. Fuck trying to do the right thing, trying to do it by a certain date, trying to be some semblance of my old self.

I am so thoroughly pissed; the words are inadequate.

I know. It's not about the UPS package. I'm falling apart, not stupid.

It's all about the complete lack of reasonableness in my life. I'm not even sure that's a word. I've ceased to function on a reasonable, productive level. I haven't balanced the checkbook so I missed paying some bills. There are piles of laundry everywhere - clean/folded, clean/piled and dirty. I don't get a shower every day. I drove all the way home from the gas station without the gas cap on the tank. I keep forgetting to fill out the mail order prescription information that might actually save me money on my drugs.

And these are just the symptoms. The answer? More lists, I suppose, detailing the things that need to be done on certain days at certain times. But the lists just emphasize my incompetence.

I hate feeling incompetent. Fuck that, too.

I'm just boiling over. The saddest thing is that this is all just a defense mechanism against an impending mental breakdown.

And it's all just... something.