Taken Over

I've been having panic attacks the last few nights,
Just as I begin to settle into the idea of going to bed.
I'm not sure of the cause, though I have a few suspicions.

It's almost as if my brain simply wants to deny the idea of sleep.
The necessity.

So I go on up to the bedroom, and I take my medicine as it's prescribed, And I breathe deeply until I it feels like my whole body is going to fly apart
And at some point I fall asleep.
Then I begin to dream.

It's never pleasant.
Sometimes I make friends, good friends, friends who fill in a puzzle piece to my life
And when I wake up, I am hurt -
Deeply hurt -
By their absence.

Then there are the people who die.
In my dreams I call for them
In the morning I cry for them,
But quietly, because they're not gone and it's not a grief I am entitled to.

I can't explain why my brain is so intent on denying rest,
Why I panic at midnight
And only want to sleep in daylight

So when I take my  handful of pills for all the other ailments, I take one to sleep, too,
As if somehow this will fix everything
But I'm breaking more every day.

Unknown

I cried in the shower today but held it all in
Swallowing my grief as though it isn't mine to express
And since then I've been trying my best to ignore the terrible feeling in my middle;
The way sadness and fear and despair knot your gut into a physical undeniable breath stealing pain.
I would tell you  how I understand,
And I keep silent, swallowing secret tears, because I know you won't look past my face.

Summer Bones

The heat of Summer has settled over our shoulders.
Long days and blue skies occasionally interrupted by crashing thunder
Herald such fantastical stories of pool visits, lightening bug hunting, the pervasive smell of sunscreen and bugspray.

We've been buffeted by the weather for so long now, we are weary.
The sun reaches deep into our bones and offers sanctuary.
The Winter is far away now - the balanced moment of so far behind and so far ahead.

And yet this season, too, will march on by and bring us something new
So we are a little afraid and a little excited and for now just looking to rest.