Things I Would Like to Say

If I could tell you anything right now it would be that I love you still
And
Always
Forever until I come to my end and
Still even then, I will be in love.

In this darkness this love is a beacon,
It is a drumbeat,
It is a call to the dawn
And it echoes in my head, competing with all the chaos.

If I could tell you anything right now it would be how much I treasure you
For constantly forgiving,
Trusting,
Loving me
Through.

In this darkness this forgiveness is a blessing,
It is a balm,
It is a respite from my own self
And it echoes in my soul, competing with all the stillness.

If I could tell you anything right now it would be that I am so afraid of losing my way,
Of being lost in this waiting place,
And that I do not think I can give you what you need.

In this darkness this fear is crippling.

We've walked a  long journey together and each step has been an adventure
Feeling heartbreak over joy, sensing loss among the gains, seeing an end at every beginning
And all those things in the small spaces between all the big buildings.
So many things change and so many stay the same and the only true constant above it all is how deeply in love I am.

Mom's Obituary, redone

It's been sixteen years since Mom died. Today I was reading her obituary and found I wanted to update it to reflect these last years. Since there really isn't any other place to appropriately share this, I figured I'd throw it here. 

Deborah Lynne Mennemeyer
March 11, 1952 - July 16, 1997
Beloved wife of Larry E., dear mother of Mary, Elizabeth, Linda and Thomas, mother in law of John, Marc, and Matthew, grandmother of Arianna, William, Xavier, Oliver, Nora and Lucas, dear daughter of the late Charles and the late Zelda Jenkins Crider (nee Woodham). Our wife, mother, grandmother, sister in law, daugher in law, neice aunt, cousin and friend. She loved and was loved immensely and the loss is profound.

Sixteen years. 

Storms

My mind is filled with all the things I've yet to do
And all the things that need to be done
And the chaos of it all surrounds me
Until the level of noise drives me to distraction
So I burst out with some small accomplishment,
Like bailing my boat with a thimble
I am tossed around the storms of my own thoughts
Lost.

There are so many words damned up inside
My thoughts have become incomprehensible
And when I tell you that I'm struggling a bit right now,
I mean that I am
Drowning.

I've become so certain that I am screaming
And so sure this is a broken whisper
And I don't know where to go with this anymore
I mean that I am almost
Gone.

Lost. Hidden. Missing.
While walking around and
Folding the laundry
Mowing the lawn
Cooking dinner
Pouring milk
Weeping dye eyed
Screaming and whispering and holding on
For all that this is worth it
Or will be, if I can find the way out.

In my heart I believe there is a way
I've seen it before when the skies were clear
And the storms forgiving
And I don't know how long
All of you can wait for me
But I pray that it is forever
Or that you'll go on without me
Finding your own way so that I am free and bound.