Weird life place

Do you ever look around and think: Wow. Where the heck is this? I'm in that place right now.

So there's a lot of weirdness in my life. I'm doing the say at home mom thing, and the home schooling thing, and the regular life thing. I don't have a career in the traditional sense, I never did quite finish that college degree, and I spend more time than I'd like doing things like laundry. In the sum of it all, I'm not unhappy. It's just unexpected. Truth be told, I've been in this place for awhile so it's starting to feel less weird and more comfortable. But then, enter the current mood.

I feel apathetic. The kind of apathy that usually hits prior to depression. And I'm very... nervous. Yes, it's weird, feeling nervous about feeling apathetic. But there it is. I can't explain it other than that. If you can phrase it better, please do. I want someone to explain this to me. Life isn't bad. I just doesn't feel so good.

Lots of things are going on here. I'm tired. And I'm overeating. And I feel like I'm failing on multiple points. But frankly, these are things that are somewhat familiar to me. Here's a new one, or at least one I don't usually have to contend with: I feel sick at heart.

Some of the stuff that has gone on recently with my extended family has wounded me. I'm pretty sure that wound is still hemorrhaging. I feel I can barely acknowledge it, so I can't begin to treat it. There's this deep sadness in the center of my chest. I'm afraid to go near it. And I don't know who to talk about it with. And so at the center of my vortex is a power of destruction.

Loss, denial, pain, hope, fear, love - these things are all violently churning. I'm looking for a way to dislodge all of it without creating more chaos. So far, no path has been forthcoming. And that's why it is a power of destruction, not construction, because of the impending disaster.