Thoughts on Christianity and Brokenness

Sometimes, Life is really hard. We get a glimpse of this all the time. It seems so obvious. Sometimes, though, it sneaks up on you and breaks you in ways completely unexpected. And when you're broken, where do you go?

As a Christian, I feel like the answer should be "God." It's so obvious! Give it over! Let it go! Trust in Him! He takes in the broken! He heals the heart! And yes, in my head, all those statements do come with exclamation points. Because I have heard them so devoutly and joyously spoken, so fervently declared. Because the True Believers all speak in exclamation, overwhelmed  by the glory of God. I have a vague envy for such vehemency. It is a type of devotion that I lack.

You see, the great secret is that I am always broken. Some days I can give you a list to justify such a statement. Other days I can't begin to understand it. But this is my reality: I always feel broken.

Always. Take that in for a minute. I know I have to consider this carefully. Is this the statement I wish to make about myself? Truth: yes. Caveat: Some days the brokenness is less. Some days it is more.

As a Christian, I feel like the explanation should be simple. I am broken because of the disconnection between myself and God. I am broken because this world is broken and I cannot be whole inside of it. We are all broken. We all seek healing in Him.

But, again, take that in for a minute. Consider this carefully. Are you always broken? Is that your truth? I'm sure for some people it is their story. I'm equally certain that for others, brokenness is a temporary state that comes and then goes again. And the difference isn't in someone's Faith or Belief or Stricture. The difference lies in each individual.

Perhaps in my current broken(more) state I am casting inaccurate characterizations upon the world. An interesting assignment would be to review these thoughts again at a future broken(less) state. Or simply to take the plunge and really put all this out there and see what other people have to say. Fear often limits me, however, and I suspect this will end in nothing more than private musings.

I digress.

The point I am wandering around is that "giving it over" isn't a productive process for me. I am so broken all the time that there is no simple "let it go." That in my brokenness I am before God at all times. There is healing there, make no mistake. But the desperate desire to try to survive brokenness is not always served by Trust or Faith.

So, here we are. A day of broken(more) by things that are as equally unexpected as they are innocuous. A day of broken(more) that isn't healed by the divine. Gripped by the intense need to get through now to a day of broken(less).

I could tell you that the strain we have been facing is taking its toll. I could tell you that the sleepless nights cost more than you might expect. I could tell you that all the old problems came into play today and chipped away at my resolve. I'll settle for being broken(more). I think it's far more accurate. A broken shorthand for an always broken person.