Definitions, Connotations, and Exposure Therapy

In the last month, I've been suffering from panic attacks again. I have been trying to cope with them in a crisis methodology: self care being my top priority. It's what I've done before, and it gets me through. But after  years of suffering, and then years of life-changing DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) I've realized that I don't need to be limited to suffering. I can change this situation. I can lessen the impact of my panic attacks. I can lessen my triggers. There's a catch, though. I have to face them, the things that make me panic.

Facing them. Exposure therapy.

Exposure Therapy:
a technique in behavior therapy used to treat anxiety disorders. It involves the exposure of the patient to the feared object or context without any danger in order to overcome their anxiety.


Exposure therapy looks like this, in my experience: repeatedly imagining the feared context while safely in the therapist's office. Using present tense to describe the situation. Remembering sights, sounds, smells, tastes, feelings. Rating my anxiety level before beginning. Rating my anxiety level after. Saying it, facing it, again and again, until the words don't choke me anymore and I'm not in danger of throwing up all over the office floor. Until I can note the anxiety levels and then breathe. Remembering how the situation is past now, and the anxiety I feel now can be let go. Breathe. Let go.

I spent quite a bit of time with my therapist using exposure therapy to work on a traumatic event. I can confidently say it worked, and I don't mean to avoid it now. But it's not the most relevant moment for me right now, and I don't want to distract with it.  The point is that I've done it, at least some of it. And I see the value in it. And I know it works. So, as scary as it is, exposure therapy is a valid step in dealing with my current panic attacks.

So, in a moment of near desperation to make things better, I dug in for a moment and thought to myself: "Where does this all come from?" And there it was: originating event.

Originating Event:
to cause to come into existence, a thing that happens, especially one of importance


In all the factors that have triggered my panic lately, much of it can be traced back to some specific events. I wrote it all down and took it into therapy last week. When I finally got myself steeled to say it all out loud, I managed to read a past tense third person version of an incident. An event, one of importance, in which I was victimized by my then boyfriend.

Victimize:
to treat someone cruelly or unfairly: to make a victim [victimized; to be treated cruelly or unfairly, to be made a victim]


I read my writing out loud, in story mode, because my anxiety was far too high for "true" exposure. My therapist and I agreed that this was a beginning. Read it out loud, in story mode, until my anxiety is consistently lower. Then read it again, as first person but past tense until my anxiety is consistently lower. Etc. Steps along the way. Dealing with the anxiety. Facing down my fear. I made a beginning last week. It will take some time. I understand that. I can be patient with it. I'm trying to be patient with myself.

After reading my "story" out loud, my therapist asked me to recognize that in my story, I presented "my" side of things in a very negative light. She suggested I had blamed the victim - blamed myself. Which is what led me to consider victim blaming.

Victim Blaming:
a devaluing act that occurs when the victim of a crime or any wrong doing is held entirely or partially responsible for the harm that befell them


Have I done this, and to myself? Have I blamed myself, and in doing so, have I done more harm? These are the questions that led me down the 'definition rabbit hole' tonight.

And here's my truth: I have done this to myself. I have held myself nearly entirely responsible for the harm that I encountered. I was ensconced in a cultural idea that failure to object equals consent. I accepted that because I considered myself damaged by previous trauma, additional damage didn't matter. I believed that I should have changed things, and my failure to do so was a sign of my own weakness.

In short, I deserved the things that happened to me.

Deserve:
to merit, be qualified for, or have claim to reward or punishment


My thought process was thus: I am damaged, I merit punishment.

Further, I railed against the idea of being a victim. I had a visceral reaction to the concept. The idea of being a victim was so distasteful, I knew that I needed to address it. Victim. It's a bad word. It seems all pervasive, this victimhood.

Victim Mentality:
an acquired personality trait in which a person tends to regard him or herself as a victim of negative actions of others and to behave as if it were the case, even in the absence of clear evidence


Victim mentality. That's what I'm afraid of. I'm afraid that I'm playing at being powerless. That I'm hinting at needing pity. That I'm failing to take responsibility for myself.

... but what if there's clear evidence? ... what if, in fact, I have not acquired a personality trait but rather have actually experienced negative actions? ... what if I am actually a victim?

Victim:
a person harmed, injured, or killed as a result of a crime, accident, or other event or action


Where lies my responsibility in all this? How do I reconcile the lack of control over the situation? I don't know where it all goes from here.

And I'm circling cultural ideas, ones I've known and am coming to know. Affirmative Consent versus No Means No. Silence equates Consent. Relationships give inherent Permission.

Affirmative Consent:
the knowing, voluntary, and mutual decision among all participants to engage in sexual activity


And in the midst of it, I wonder: How can we be upset over victim blaming while we still allow victims to be categorically maligned while discussing victim mentality?


Here is another truth I've found tonight:
I am a victim.
I do not possess a victim mentality.
I have blamed myself, and allowed other to blame me.
I will not blame myself any longer.