Logjam

Words are freeing and captivating and disappointing and defining and more thing than I can truly understand. When they're all jammed up inside my head it makes me feel lonely, alone. They can drown out everything else, screaming at me but without sense.

It's a love/hate thing between me and words. It's why I refuse to have a 'word a day' calendar, that much new vocabulary would overwhelm any love I felt and leave me with hate. That would be a dark day.

I caught sight of myself today, looking fairly normal but feeling so disconnected. Trying to connect just left me feeling like a failure. I care about all of you but I can't bear to say your names. It makes me feel crazy.

In ten years from now I want to be a little less crazy and far more connected. I want the love of words to smother the hate. I want to rejoice over all of you and pour this love from my soul to my life. I want to look fairly normal and feel that way, too.

Somewhere, deeply masked by all this rambling is something a little poetic. If you find it, let me know. I've been looking for it.