Some new poetry

The bare bones of this poem filtered through my head this evening but I wasn't able to write them down immediately. I find this happening lately, and by the time I have a chance to spin the words out of my head they've disappeared into the fog. I was determined to hold on to these, this time, and found myself repeating them over and over. I made it a priority to work with them, and I'm fairly pleased with the result.


Traveling

It’s not quite late; twilight, an exhalation in my day.
I’m driving comfortably - I know these roads and this car today, and the rhythm of the pavement under the wheels feels like an echo to my heartbeat
It keeps me going.
The quiet is full of sound as the wind rushes through the open windows and cars speed by on their own missions.
The night is almost here and the day bears down with one last effort;
I can feel the dry film of sweat on my face, smell the end of the day, feel the worries and trials dragging on my shoulders and then
I see it.
Twilight, the perfect time, as swarms of fireflies come up from their soft earthen rest.
As the pavement pulses around us the side running grass comes alive with bursts of yellow pinpricks,
Like a monumental birthday cake
Like a fireworks display
With a blink and a switch the grass is alive in a new way.
I yearn for it, to be in it.
In my mind I stop and sit in the middle of this choreographed rising, ignoring the grass burns and insect bites, and with each rising blink I let go of a piece.
Each soaring firefly bears away a part of me, my worry, my trial, the weight pulling at my shoulders and heart
Until I can lay peacefully down on the Earth, breathe in the scent of evening, and find rest..
The road brings me back to myself;
I carefully tuck this existential experience into a pale blue envelope and file it away for the future,
Against a time when the fireflies fall to the Earth under the weight of my burdens
Or when I am incapable of giving away such things.

In other news, I do not excel at this motherhood thing.

I just put together Oliver's mobile tonight. The joy with which he contemplated it was worth the 5 minutes and $15. He quite happily stared while doing his superman imitation (one arm extended, one bent in front) and kicking his feet. I'm glad I took the opportunity to get it together.

But, he's nearly 4 months old already and I'm just now getting around to it. Add it to the list of today's failures:
1. Was not prepared properly for leaving with all three children for Ari's dress rehearsal. Leaving took more time.
2. Bread was moldy and in moment of total lapse couldn't think up a substitute, so we ate fast food in the car.
3. Combine 1 and 2 with a wrong turn, and that explains why we were 25 min late for dress rehearsal.
4. That moment in the grocery store when I completely lost my patience with a tired crabby 2 yr old.
5. I didn't have a grocery list, and so now I have to go back soon because I didn't get everything we needed.

I could go on, but I won't, because that makes the point. My days are usually full of these moments. Hopefully, I can take the end of the day and find enough moments when I did the right thing, the good thing, and find some kind of balance. The problem I have is that the big failures, the ones that just don't feel like they balance, tend to sneak up on me and worry at my sense of peace. They vary widely, but it all boils down to this: Have I done more harm than good? And how do I really know?