Hiding

And how true: "Like a coward, I write this hoping you will see it and understand."

From Now to the End

I've been yearning for the past lately.
Like a long forgotten addiction, it has caught me off guard and left me feeling defensive and defenseless.
To be honest with myself, every day I wish for something from some time before, but this has been different.
I've been wishing for things I had thought I had left behind somewhere, and with good reason.

While you and I were talking tonight I wanted to actually talk. I wanted it to be like it used to be, late night conversation about the importance of
Life.
But I was a little drunk and a lot afraid and couldn't find the words to say.
Like a coward, I write this hoping you will see it and understand.
It made me realize that I am afraid. Afraid of losing you.

You see, my feelings have changed. I used to think that I would be in love with you forever but
I was wrong.
You are dear to me, important, and I miss you every day you are not here. But
We've moved on.
That's ok with me, now.
Except.
I am afraid.

I want us to have a present and a future, and not one based on reminiscing about the past.
I want us to have more than stupid jokes that have been said so often we've forgotten the original laugh.
I wish we had more than stolen moments together, like friends who
Just love, who haven't
Lived through fire together.