Break out the cheesy uniforms, it's a call to arms.

It's only 10:30pm and I've been done in for hours. I managed to partly clean some of the house, produce some dinner, and whip up a batch of chocolate chip cookies. I gave up a shower and laundry. These are the trades required by this existence.

Something profound is lurking in the depths of my brain. I can feel it, trying to sneak up on me. It's weird. And kind of creepy. Also, it could not be profound at all. Problem is, it's stuck in there and not working it's way out here.

Some moments I feel normal. I remember a bit of myself that existed last week, last month, last year. And it all works together to fit right. Most of the time, I feel completely strung out. As if I'm still taking the narcotics and no one told me. I'm so out of sorts I feel like I need to ping my own location. Like when I can't find the cordless phone and I press the button on the base, making it beep obnoxiously until I can locate it. I need a base. With a button. That triggers some kind of locating device.

Probably, I just need more sleep.

Most definitely, I need a cheering section. I'm beginning to feel like I can't do this anymore - any of it. I need to hear a voice outside my head tell me that this, too, shall pass. [Yes, I've seen the new 'OK Go' video/song, no reference needed here.] I need to feel like the darkness will end. And that morning will be bright and wonderful. I'm losing my ability to see and understand all that on my own.

My words are all mixed up - in my head, in my speech, in my writing. This is deeply frustrating to me. I wonder if this is how people feel when they almost understand a foreign language. Actually, the craziest real thing happened the other day, and it was exactly how I feel. I was in church, trying to pay attention. Shane was talking about the parable of the mustard seed. He directed us (or I heard him direct us) to page 697. Which is where I found Mark 4:30, the parable of the mustard seed. But when Shane started reading aloud, he read from page 679 (notice the subtle difference), where you can find Matthew 13:31, the parable of the mustard seed. Only, as one might expect, the language of the verses was slightly different. Confused? I was. For a long time. This is where I am in life. Confused by subtle differences. Or just confused.

And rambling.